I have so many questions about Elon Musk's sister's adaptation of a "Twilight" fanfic

I’m having one of those weeks where my brain feels foggy, my body feels sluggish, and my soul feels existentially depleted. I would have thought that nothing could rouse me from my funk, and yet something has. My spirit has been zapped by the cattle prod of my most enduring fascination: the ongoing fallout of what Twilight has wrought.

Of course, there was the announcement that the Twilight canon is being extended, but I’m not talking about Midnight Sun. I was there when Midnight Sun leaked in 2008. That’s old news. No, I want to talk about yet another Twilight fanfic-turned-book-turned-movie. This one might be the worst yet!

I have never heard of Gabriel’s Inferno before today, and now it is my favorite thing in the world. The movie is an adaptation of a Twilight fan fiction, and it’s directed by Elon Musk’s sister Tosca, and it seems to ask the question, “What if we replaced the brooding vampire love interest with a different kind of monster: an Italian?”

One part of this trailer is about as Twilight as it gets. As I’m sure you know, the original Bella Swan was played by Kristen Stewart, and the first knockoff Bella Swan was played by Dakota Johnson in the Twilight fanfic adaptation Fifty Shades of Grey. (I remember seeing the first poster for the film at a movie theater and laughing out loud at the fact that it was just literally Dakota Johnson pulling Bella Swan’s signature move.)

But the Bella Swan of Gabriel’s Inferno might be our most Bella Swan Bella Swan yet. I bet her casting call was ripped directly from the description of Bella on Stephenie Meyer’s website. And we get a lip-bite in this trailer!! Stephenie Meyer continues to live rent-free in all these bitches’ minds.

Apart from the Bellaness of this Bella, though, I’m having a hard time parsing this story. Here are some questions that this trailer raises for me.

• This movie was produced by Passionflix, a streaming service that just makes adaptations of romance novels. How many subscribers does Passionflix have, and is only adapting romance novels a sustainable business model?
• Is every muscular hunk with a chiseled jaw in this movie the same man? Certainly the student who passes not-Bella a note that says “EMERSON IS AN ASS” and Professor Emerson, said ass, are not the same person. And yet??

• Was there a surplus at the Henry Cavill factory?
• Is the Student Hunk supposed to be Jacob and the Professor Hunk supposed to be Edward? What’s the point of a love triangle of two sides of it are identical bad boys? Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that a real love triangle should have one immortal teen who watches you sleep and one beefcake werewolf who falls in love with your baby.
• This clearly Italian man with an Italian accent writing on the board in Italian is named Gabriel Emerson? That’s the name of the character played by an actor named Giulio Berruti?
• Isn’t the plot point “Large hulking barbarian has an outburst then demands that the lovely girl at his mercy have dinner with him” lifted from Beauty and the Beast, not Twilight?
• This film establishes that not-Bella has never held a boy’s hand, looked up at the stars with a boy lying next to her, been kissed, or “danced like this” before. Has she been living under a rock and if so, who should we bring to justice for the crime of imprisoning her there?

What is this tattoo???

A seahorse dancing a jig while being sucked down a whirlpool? A poodle being captured by a dragon?

• Do you think the note he’s holding in his hand here is the one that says “EMERSON IS AN ASS?” Is that how she breaks up with him?
• Why does this look more like Fifty Shades than Twilight? Which came first? Was this one of the fanfics that E.L. James stole from?
• (Oh wait, there’s a literal shot of someone holding an apple to reassure me. This IS based on Stephenie Meyer’s beloved apple-holding epic.)
• Is the central conflict of this movie that not-Bella used to hook up with this guy and now he’s her professor and love interest but doesn’t remember her? In what way is that similar to wanting a vampire to take you to prom?
• Did Professor Ass Emerson sustain a horrible head injury in the time since she’s last seen him and if so, who should we bring to justice for the crime of causing it?
• What was the budget for this film and why didn’t any of it go toward color grading? It’s so unsaturated and blah.
• Tosca Musk, who directed this film, apparently co-founded Passionflix. Was this a real co-founding, or did she do like her brother and jump in on someone else’s company and take the title of co-founder?
• Is X Æ A-12’s aunt a good director?
• The lead hunk’s first credited acting role was in The Lizzie McGuire Movie, which I don’t remember despite being our country’s foremost Lizzie McGuire scholar, but that’s because he only appears for about 2 seconds. Why didn’t this dreamboat get more screen time?
• Does this movie have a plot? Does the book?
• Here is a quote about the book from the author’s website: “A sinful exploration of sex, love, and redemption, Gabriel’s Inferno is a beguiling intelligent romance filled with intrigue, seduction and forgiveness.” A lengthy descriptor of words, concepts, and imagery, that sentence sure is a confounding repetitive blurb filled with adjectives, nouns, and commas. Is that how the book is written?
• Will a single person in this cast have an iota of the chaotic energy that continues to radiate from Robert Pattinson’s body? Will he openly despise the project? Will he make up a horrifying story about witnessing a clown death during promotion, just for his own amusement? Will he pitch a GQ writer on his business plan, “How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?” and blow up a microwave in the process? How can anyone match that? They can’t.
• Should I re-watch all the Twilight movies?
• Should I write Twilight fan fiction??

Wow, this was a real journey. I didn’t know how much I needed another Twilight fanfic adaptation in my life. I have died every day waiting for this, et cetera.

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