Recent music news headlines that have made me question my grip on reality.

You know that thing when you’re scrolling through Twitter and come across an Onion headline and briefly think that it’s real? The opposite situation has been happening to me a lot lately — I’ve encountered a headline so bizarre that I assume it’s fake and I’m shocked by its actual reality. This scenario is far more disconcerting. For some reason, every one of these headlines has been music-related.

Here is a list of some of these headlines, all worrisome jumbles of words and proper nouns that have shaken me to my core.

1. Zack Fox is Number One on Spotify’s Viral 50 with “Jesus Is the One (I Got Depression),” a song he describes as “meaningless” and “terrible”

   

2. Jack White and Jack Black Tease the Long-Awaited Collab “Jack Gray”

3. Stream Black Dresses’ New Album LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR STUPID LITTLE BITCHES

4. “Baby Shark” is a Cereal Now

5. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti Reissue Series Announced

6. Highly Suspect Announce New Album With Song About Paternity Surprise

7. Vampire Weekend Announce Signature Taco

We live in a simulation, and daily I yearn to be yeeted directly out of it into the loving embrace of Jesus.